I don’t know if I can add anything to this. I mean - it’s a rotten peach. Leanne is going to eat a rotten peach. For free. It’s not like we offered her money to eat this.
A gnat flew out of this thing when she picked it up. That’s not a joke. I’m not saying “this thing looks like a gnat would fly out of it”. I’m saying “A motherf’ckn gnat did fly out of it”.
I’m speechless. This isn’t funny anymore. I’m starting to think she is playing with me.
There was an article in the Joplin Globe today about Taco Town, a restaurant from my home town of Carthage MO, being reopened. It mentions me and my efforts to keep it open, but they claim they could not reach me for comment. That’s BS. They never tried to reach me.
But I felt like the story was incomplete without my input. So I interviewed myself. Here is that interview:
First I would like to apologize that you were not contacted for the original article.
Whatever.
Why did you create the “Save Taco Town” group on Facebook?
Actually I created the “Make Jason Shelfer Buy Taco Town” group on Facebook. Once it became clear Jason was not going to buy it - I passed the group, and its more than 300 members, on to the Melissa McCune. She changed it to “Save Taco Town”.
OK - why did you create “Make Jason Shelfer Buy Taco Town”?
To make fun of Jason Shelfer.
So you did not really care about saving Taco Town? It was just a joke?
Well I cared about saving Taco Town, but yes it started as a joke. I started this group well before Taco Town was up for sale. I was just trying to lure some friends out to join Facebook. Jason was an easy target with his odd shaped head. It made it easy to draw a logo that looked like him. So naturally I chose him to be the Taco Town savior. I figured if I made fun of him enough he would come out to defend himself.
Did he?
No.
Why not?
He’s not as immature as I am.
How immature are you?
I would say my maturity level hovers around that of a 15 year old.
That’s pathetic.
You are.
But you did really want to save Taco Town…right?
Of course. The dull pain a taco burger leaves in your stomach is a rite of passage for Carthage youth. Taco Town is a big part of what Carthage is. Without Taco Town, we’re really just a more sophisticated, better educated, better looking Webb City (without all the dirt and chat piles).
Once Taco Town actually came up for sale, I did want Jason to buy it. I thought he would be good at it. But he kept complaining about not having $125,000. Seemed like a weak argument, but he stuck with it.
Once I saw Melissa was putting forth a real effort to purchase Taco Town, I let go of the dream of Jason making me chili burritos. It doesn’t matter who stacks the taco burger, as long as it gets stacked. So I passed the group on to her and thankfully it appears they are going to pull it off.
It worked out for the best and Jason has moved on to sell necklaces made out of toys at www.hangdowns.com.
So what is next for you?
I think Todd Lawrence should buy T’s Corner.
Todd Lawrence?
Sure. I voted for him for President. Why couldn’t he run T’s Corner?
Why did you vote for him for President.
Well I really wanted to vote for a black guy. But then I read an email that said Obama was the anti-christ. America has come a long way with tolerance, but I’m not sure we are ready, as a country, for an anti-christ President. We have not even had a Jewish President yet. So Todd was the next best black guy I figured.*
I don’t like where this is going. Let’s get back to Taco Town. What is your favorite item at Taco Town?
Chili Burrito.
Are you digesting one right now?
The last chili burrito I had was about a year ago. So yes - I am.
How much credit do you take for saving Taco Town?
All of it.
I think I just heard your stomach gurgle. Is all this talk of Taco Town making you hungry?
Actually I just farted.
Ok - this is over…
——————————————
*Todd is making me add this disclaimer:
[Todd Lawrence is in no way connected to Wallace Wilson other than having had the misfortune of growing up in the same town as him and being his best friend. As he is more educated than Wallace, he is aware that racism against Jewish people and African Americans (as he would prefer to be called), even in the service of lowbrow humor immaturely designed to highlight the fact that Wallace was not really contacted about a 500 word article in the little-known Joplin Globe about an even lesser known restaurant in Carthage, is wrong. However, he would like to thank Wallace for voting for him for President no matter how juvenile and wrong-headed it was. And he will not be buying T’s Corner.]
Wow - Leanne is not F’ing around today. Today’s lunch is worthy of a Fear Factor episode, if on smell alone. I don’t think you could get a hobo to take this off your hands.
She stopped by to show and when she took the lid off - the odor coming out of the Tupperware physically knocked me backwards. I took some quick photos and asked here to please cover this train wreck of a lunch back up. When she removed the tubs some sort of liquid had leaked off and attached itself to my desk, leaving a permanent reminder of this crime against humanity.
Today’s lunch came in three containers. Because obviously you wouldn’t want to mix all this stuff together. That would be gross.
The top container is just some mustard. But believe me - there is not a mustard powerful enough to kill the flavors in the other two tubs.
That’s sauerkraut, mustard and jalapenos. No there is no hot dog under it and yes it smells like a sour donkey fart.
That’s green beans and a 1/2 avocado with liver spots. Now I love avocados, but I normally prefer mine not rotten.
I can’t be sure, but my hunch is she plans to put that extra tub of mustard on the green beans and polka dotted avocado. She did not present it that way because even she knows that’s going to far.
That’s it kids. That’s whats for lunch today. Sometimes I wonder if she gets a spoon and digs out the things her husband throws in the garbage disposal.
This is a new feature about a girl I work with. She eats nasty things. On purpose. Occasionally I get a glimpse of her Tupperware and what’s in it. When I do - we’ll post it here.
This one is a standard Leanne lunch menu item. She brings this at least once a week. Here is the recipe with step by step instructions.
- Open a can of Beets and dump them in a bowl
- Vomit in your mouth
- Poor in a can of kidney beans
- Vomit in your mouth
- Throw in some sliced up hearts of palm
- Vomit. In. Your. Mouth
- Find some weird mouse brain shaped nuts and sprinkle liberally
Now at this point you have two options. You can either eat it (Leanne does this) or you can dump it in the toilet (like everyone else would).
Is a “foodie” just a skinny person who likes food too much? Can you be big and still be a “foodie” or does it just make me a “fatty”?
Cheez-Its don’t taste the same at 7 am as they do anytime after 10 am.
Is it weird to anyone else that Subway does not have swiss cheese? Do they hate Switzerland or something?
Had Triscuits, feta cheese and beer for dinner last night. Need Emily to get home from Vegas. She forces me to eat better.
Think I’ll start a blog about Leanne - girl I work with. Will photo the 7 tubs of crap she brings for lunch each day. I’ve seen worse blogs.
Meat marinated. Fire ready. Belly loud. Kabob sticks…out.
I don’t know what Chorizo sausage is, but I just want to thank QuickTrip for putting it in their breakfast burrito.
